


Across Oceans

by BlackVelvet42



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 00:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13536126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVelvet42/pseuds/BlackVelvet42
Summary: “There were plenty of possible companions on board Voyager. Why was she drawn specifically to this man?”





	Across Oceans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Killermanatee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killermanatee/gifts).



> To Klugtiger, for the amazing beta and the gentle understanding. My debt, I fear, will never be paid.
> 
> And to Killermanatee, the other half of my insanity. Without you, this story would have never been told. 
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> ******

Memories during the time in the Borg collective were different from the ones that came after.

Those were replicas of reality, detailed and crystal clear, linked to a network of ever-accumulating information, accessible whenever needed. However contradictory, that vastness brought forth order and clarity, comforting and calming her mind.

Human memories, on the other hand, were distorted, fragmented. Imperfect. Events were colored and details blurred by surging emotions and inaccurate impressions, evoking more turbulence into an already chaotic existence.

How differently she would have pictured him back then.

The hive mind would have evaluated, calculated, and labeled him. He would have been classified as worthy of assimilation or discarded as useless and insignificant.

Alone in her consciousness, disconnected from the collective, she lacked efficiency and preciseness and missed the tranquility of her previous life. Instead, her focus seemed to drift aimlessly, bouncing from one inane feature to another.

Why would the tone of his voice preoccupy her thoughts? What was the meaning of recalling his scent? How was it relevant to contemplate the size and shape of his hands?

Once ignited, these recollections seemed out of her control, surfacing in the most undesirable moments, diverting her from duties, conversations, and everyday routines.

And for a reason she could not define, these random thoughts of him echoed throughout her body in the most delightful, although distracting, fashion.

Like her body had known instinctively, long before her mind did, what was important about him and, on her behalf, made decisions that would determine her future.

There were plenty of possible companions on board Voyager. Why was she drawn specifically to this man?

After she had been severed from the Collective and recovered from the surgeries that removed her implants, she had soon learned the horrible downside and basic conflicts of individuality.

Freedom without a solid structure to hold onto. Isolation inside one’s own mind, that no closeness could overcome. An existence ultimately without any other purpose than what one chose.

The understanding of these primal laws of nature threatened to pull her into a deep, dark void. How could anyone live like this?

The Doctor and the Captain both assured her these feelings were expected, a part of humanity, and were essentially the force to bringing people closer together in search of connection and meaning in life.

She accepted and tried to adapt.

But without social experience or skill, her every attempt to interact seemed to fail, every sentence that came out of her mouth somehow out of place, pushing people further away instead of pulling them near.

Closing the gap over so much distrust and misunderstanding seemed impossible. Despite her efforts, it was widely assumed she needed solitude and kept her distance on purpose.

That wasn’t to say she didn’t draw attention. The looks and questions she received were curious and sometimes even intrusive in a way that made her uncomfortable.

She was one person among many. What could possibly be interesting about her?

Pondering this led her to another strange concept: beauty. Subjective, irrelevant, and difficult for her to comprehend.

‘Very attractive’ the Doctor had specified when she inquired, attempting to ease her confusion concerning all the attention she had been receiving.

Staring at her reflection didn’t clarify this definition at all.

What she saw was common for everyone. Two eyes, nose, mouth, and hair. They were functional. Well, she also still had the implants. Maybe that was what made her appealing?

From the start, the Doctor had been friendly to her, helped her by explaining and guiding her through the challenges of social interaction. How such an obscure, variable skill could ever be mastered was beyond her grasp, but he reassured her it was both possible and worth the struggle.

Spending time so closely with the Doctor made it difficult to notice the change, but one day it dawned on her that the look he gave her might mean something more than friendship.

He had always been kind and respectful to her, and considering him in the light of this new information, she concluded that he possessed many qualities of a good companion. Yet some crucial part seemed to be missing.

Hoping she had foreseen the benefits of forming more personal connections, she was at a loss. She didn’t want to continuously inconvenience the only woman she was close to. The captain had already answered so many of her questions.

In the Collective, she would have reached out for the data stored within the hive mind. At that thought, she was pleased to realize she had a similar source at her disposal, containing all the information she would ever need.

Voyager’s literature database.

Cross-referencing the wide selection of detailed academic research, the exaggerated depictions of mythology in different cultures, and the rather peculiar genre of romantic fiction, there was only one deduction to be made.

When the right person came along, she would know.

In that moment, there would be no hesitation, no confusion, only a sensation beyond any she had ever experienced, indicating that her loneliness would soon be over and a journey into the culmination of humanity was about to begin.

The wait was exciting, if not a little frustrating, and certainly inefficient; a needless waste of time.

She was ready and open to the thought of a relationship. However, there was no spark, no pull, to anyone available. Her work appeared far more interesting than getting to know any one person more intimately.

Except one.

She had regarded him before, this dark man pleasing her eye and captivating her mind in an undefined manner, but bypassed this option as she had considered him taken. Time and careful deliberation proved he might not be as unavailable as she had first interpreted.

Voyager’s commanding officers were obviously close and shared a strong bond, but the exact nature of that association remained a mystery to her. Neither did their connection seem to fit with anything she had learned from the databases.

There was deep trust, respect, friendship, and even love, of that much she was certain even without first-hand experience of her own. But instead of progressing into what was expected by many, it appeared their relationship was slowly and surely altering course, as if interfered by something they would always prioritize ahead of their personal desires.

Duty, perhaps, or loyalty to principles and ideals above individual gain?

As years went by, she noticed the subtle change. Both the captain and the commander seemed to be letting go of a dream that might never become a reality, gradually giving their lives a chance to take other paths and allowing other people to offer the closeness they needed.

Observing that development stirred a multitude of sensations inside her, choking and warming her all at once, opening her eyes to the complexity of human emotion like no research, mythology, or novel could ever capture.

She saw no harm in adding a character with his name, physical parameters, and psychological profile to a holodeck program she created. The decision was only practical, and she was more determined than ever to strengthen her social skills for further attempts at a romantic relationship.

He was attractive, intelligent, and compassionate. But first and foremost, he was male. No doubt her lessons with him would be pleasurable and his responses educational.

What she didn’t anticipate was that her feelings for him would grow, even from interacting with only a holographic image of him.

How he would begin to fill her dreams at night as well as her thoughts during the days.

How eventually it would be difficult to separate the fantasy from the reality and that she would end up living a double life, counting minutes until she could sneak back into the imaginary world that was far more satisfying than her real one.

However embarrassed and remorseful she was after the Doctor found out about her simulated life, she was also grateful.

He didn’t lecture or judge, only looked at her with sadness and regret and told her quietly that perhaps she would be happier if she tried to pursue in real life what her heart so clearly desired, even if she risked losing that dream forever.

His suggestion was daunting and her first reaction was to object, but deep inside she recognized the wisdom in his advice.

But every time she thought about approaching Chakotay, she retreated at the last second. And every failure gnawed away another piece of the confidence she had gained on the holodeck, until finally the idea of going to him seemed only naïve and pointless.

He was the first officer with responsibilities to the whole crew.

He was much older than she was and had probably only been nice to her after witnessing her obvious discomfort and need for support.

Also, he was attached to the Captain with a bond that might never proceed past the professional, but a deep connection none the less, and she had no desire to get caught in the middle.

She had every intention to leave her plans there, no matter how unbearable the sensations that decision caused were. Breathing had become an effort, a sting of tears permanently abiding just behind her lids. Eventually, the discomfort would pass, she was sure of it.

Whether love and happiness were the results of fate, coincidence, or the sincere wish and determination of two people, she would spend many moments wondering in the following years.

Because only a few weeks later, heading to a scientific conference together, they lost control of the shuttle and had to beam down to an unknown part of the planet. Being stranded in the wilderness for days, away from the usual routines and surroundings, made natural what on Voyager felt forced.

She tended his wound and helped him walk with his injured leg, listening to the hint of pain in his breathing, aware of his solid body pressed against hers.

She worried for his safety when she found him captured by aliens, but seeing his youthful excitement in meeting the primitive people and interacting with them turned that worry into a pleasant warmth in her chest.

She fell silent for only a few seconds when he asked about her interests, before diving into an exchange of thoughts that continued far into the night.

Next morning, he took her arm to help her keep balance while making their way through the thick forest, and later that evening, his hand lingered on the small of her back without any particular reason.

And she recognized the atmosphere had changed.

Not quite knowing how to react or what to expect, she lifted her gaze, searching his face for answers, baring all of her fragile feelings without pretense.

Maybe her stare was too straightforward, too curious, and too demanding because his eyes widened ever so slightly, and his breath caught short for the briefest of moments before he turned away and wished her good night.

It was not the explosion of emotion she had anticipated, but an experience much more complicated that stayed with her even after returning to the ship.

Longing for something she had never possessed and fearing that unknown just the same. Doubting her judgment and sanity, yet certain there was nothing more substantial in the world.

With every breath she took, she wanted to be closer to him. She craved to feel his dark hands on her skin and the fullness of his lips moving against hers.

She needed to hear more of his soft voice sharing his dreams with her, explaining behaviors and customs she didn’t understand, and asking for her opinion and insight, then leaning close to listen with attentive eyes, making her feel like she had worth and significance.

Despite her past and her awkward demeanor, he had begun to treat her with patience and kindness, showed endless interest and gentle compassion, looked past all her flaws and into her soul, and what he found seemed to please him.

His happiness became essential to her, not because it was necessary or expected or integral in any logical sense, but because she felt it was vital for her. Like her own well-being had somehow grown connected to his.

Ultimately, her next move was not a choice. It was the only possible course of action.

Whatever answer he would give her was beside the point. She would take rejection, if it so happened, and heal her wounds in silence, but the persistent visions in her mind, beating in rhythm with her heart, demanded she take action.

During the most ordinary shift, she found herself blurting out if he would have dinner with her.

To her surprise, he accepted with a dazzling smile, taking away weeks of insecurity and distress in a blink of an eye. Proving her hesitation pointless.

He was as ready as she was to move forward, to learn more about one another, to explore the possibility of a shared future.

Nevertheless, she was under no illusion about one aspect of their relationship, and she told this to him at the beginning of their dating.

That she knew she was second best to him.

Hearing her remark, he stopped and stared at her. His lips parted as if about to deny it, but decided otherwise. Instead, his deep sigh confirmed what she already knew.

She had only intended to state a fact that she felt needed to be voiced, not to confront him. Recognizing the significance of the one he had to leave behind was a step forward and cleared the air, making everything easier for both of them. Later, he thanked her for pulling that part of his life so bluntly into the open.

Day after day she found herself falling deeper into the confusing, turbulent depths of emotion, and he was right there, holding her tight in his unwavering embrace.

His strength fueled her with certainty, and his warmth gave her courage to continue; their growing closeness ending the loneliness she had felt for so long and replacing it with new meaning and direction.

His past made no difference, not to her nor to him, because in the end, he had chosen her. To cherish and to love, for all the days of their lives, and she was certain he would never back away from that path, whatever obstacles might be thrown in their way.

The first time he told her she was beautiful inside and out, she broke into tears.

She had never heard anything so irrelevant about her character, but the tenderness in his eyes and his gentle fingers tracing the curves of her face conveyed a message much deeper than those plain words.

It was a pledge; that he would bind himself to her entirely, devote to her his time and attention, reserve to her, and only her, every secret in his heart.

Cradled in his arms in the middle of the night, her skin warm against his and their passion calming to a blissful togetherness, she smiled knowing there was nothing more she could ask of life.

And if the affection he felt for her would someday grow even close to what he felt for his captain, maybe it would also be enough for him.


End file.
